The effortless, laid back look is so hot right now, but what do hard working fashion gurus know about effortless looks? When it comes to this style, the current vogue, their opinions are less than worthless. With this in mind, I am a male fashionista, a trend setter. My credentials are superb, as I haven’t gone clothes shopping in years and I hate fashion. Fashion and fascism both start out the same way. I find shopping for clothes a torture on par with waterboarding, and I see a very small distinction between Yorkdale and Guantanamo. Yorkdale Bay. Ironically, my total lack of care is what makes me a style icon. Even the media has complimented me on my dishevelled appearance.  Follow these fashion rules and you too can achieve the rumpled look without much effort.

THE HEAD-TO-TOE STYLE GUIDE:

The cornerstone of any fashionable wardrobe is good plaid. Red with bits of green is timeless, always a hit. I have another plaid with just greens too, and I’ve worn blues and browns in years past. Unfortunately, a shirt can only withstand so much wear, and those wonderful plaids of old have disintegrated, their ashes in an urn on my shelf.  Now that the Halloween rush is over, Value Village is civilized again. Spend between 5-10 dollars on a plaid, and if you see any sold for more, give the proprietor of the store/garage sale a piece of your mind. You need t-shirts too. When you visit a city or go to a concert, buy a cool shirt with Jerry Garcia’s face on it.

I recommend having two or more sweaters so you don’t need to wear the same one every day. A smart look is to wear your sweater over a plaid shirt so the collar sticks out. This gives my monochrome sweaters a hot accent.  I have a blue, brown, and green sweater: believe me boychicks, this fall, dark, earthy colours are totally in. Some sweaters of mine have a round neck, others are V.  If you do this, girls will just swoon over the variety.

When it comes to pants, jeans are a hot trend. Everybody’s wearing them. In terms of colour, I recommend blue.  I used to wear them baggy but I advise against that now.  Everyone has a different standard of how jeans should fit.  My rule of thumb: tight enough to go biking without getting caught in the chain, loose enough to play spontaneous hockey.  That’s some sartorial smarts right there.  Khakis are like jean’s older, sterner brother. Very smart. “First we get the jobs, then we get the khakis, then we get the chicks.”

You’ll need shoes. I like brown dock shoes because they’re versatile, and in the summer they can be worn sans socks, an added advantage when you don’t have a laundry machine at your place. I call my dock shoes the “BCs,” or the “business casuals.” They’re perfect for Saturday night business drinking and for recreational pints. Nikes are good too.

Leather jackets are timeless. Get one that’s soft to the touch…that nice butter leather. Mine is black with beige accents on the cuffs and collar, so I call it the “black and tan fantasy” in homage to Duke Ellington. Sometimes I name my clothes, but you don’t have to. Get a scarf too. It’s cold out there, and it’s an opportunity to accent your earth tones with stripes or geometric shapes. I wear a light brown scarf to bring out the colour of my dark brown jacket…smart.  There are thick scarves that keep you warm and there are those threadbare schmattes worn by terrorists. Fashion faux-pas. If you’re going to look like Al-Qaeda, do it in the summer.

Chic. Dapper. Dans le vent. Natty. Suave. You too can be these things, it’s not exactly rocket surgery.  Just follow my guideline and aspire to dress like me.

[Addendum: BlogTO readers/others who don’t know me: this piece is a playful, satirical shot at pompous, self-regarding fashion writers. It’s a humour piece. It’s become my most well read piece by far, but I never expected anyone outside my friends to read it. I’ve got flak, so let’s be clear: I don’t really think I’m a male fashionista. Hope you enjoy.]