It’s that season again. Personally, my heart bursts when the people I like and love wish me a warm season’s greeting, but many people are assholes who can’t enjoy the holidays without hard, material proof of your affection. Here are some ideas at different price brackets to win over these vulgarians.

Jeff’s Gift Guide:

1. Russian Literature—fill up a loved one’s spiritual vacuum not with stupid religion, but with Tolstoy, Gogol, Turgenev and the gang. Purchase previously enjoyed for $1-10. To make sure the gift is quality, check that the spine is intact and that pages aren’t released from their binding after being flipped. Check for good translations, too.

2. Whiskey—since it’s the season for splurging, don’t buy a loved one Canadian Club. It tastes like battery acid. For a few extra dollars you can buy them a normal Irish whiskey, or give them a formidable holiday boner by getting them a smokey Islay single malt. L-a-g-a-v-u-l-i-n.

3. Gold Bullion—Gold retains its value, and it can’t get lost like a piece of jewellery  It’s just a quality investment, and nobody wishes they didn’t have it. Very old school.

4. A record—usually great classical or rock and roll records, from Bach to CCR, can be found cheaply in the under $5 range, but good hip hop normally runs you more than that. Buy good De La Soul, Tribe or Wu-Tang. Anyone who doesn’t like that shit is a pervert.

5. Food—it’s a biological requirement, very popular these days.

6. Chess set—there are only two useful chess sets. The first is a bigger stay-at-home board with traditional style, hefty pieces. The second is a small, portable fold-up board with magnetic pieces. Do not buy tacky ornamental kitsch sets that insult the very existence of chess, the noble blood sport of kings.

7. Sopranos on DVD—not everyone has HBO. It’s the best cultural offering of our generation, rivalling anything cooked up by Melville, the Grateful Dead or Leotardo Da Vinci.

8. Guitar Lessons—the gift of music lessons is nothing less than seraphic ecstasy stolen for Earthlings by teachers, incredible Prometheus figures who bring godly delights to mere mortals. Shame I don’t know any good guitar teachers.