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Jeff Halperin

Jeff Halperin

Category Archives: Comedy

Laughter: No Joking Matter

21 Sunday Jul 2019

Posted by jdhalperin in Comedy, Politics, Statements

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Comedy, laughter, maga, Modi, racist jokes, Sopranos, trump

Laughter is rarely thought of in all its dimensions. When considered in a positive light, laughing is associated with happiness but also childish innocence and immaturity, and this narrow focus makes laughter widely misunderstood and undervalued. Laughter is complex and works differently in everything people do, and tells us important things along the way.

Laughter is a joy and a killer. Let’s see a few ways laughter can work.

Dictators

It’s said that fascist dictators can withstand criticism, but not laughter. The existence of critics in the media benefits a dictator because: 1) it gives them an entity to demonize, and rally their base around 2) critics create the illusion that the ordinary pre-dictatorship world still prevails, a world where institutions haven’t yet been subverted and can still check the dictator’s power.  This illusion is essential, because its existence keeps naive centrists from accepting the truth—that the left is correct, and there’s a dictator in power.

So fledgling dictators do tolerate media criticism, even if they lash out against it violently, but what they cannot abide is being laughed at. Laughter undermines strongman leadership. How can you be dominating people, if they’re laughing at you? trump absolutely freaked out about being mocked in SNL. He took to social media to go on pathetic tirades, trying to appear impervious and undermine them right back. You saw his face when Obama made jokes at his expense at the correspondent’s dinner, and drew wide laughter from the audience.

Dictators need the appearance of control and domination, and laughter shatters this illusion.

Laughter in All Social Groups

This dynamic I’m talking about doesn’t only apply to dictators—laughter means something different to every group, depending on the nature of the group and where you are located on the hierarchy. You don’t laugh at power. You don’t laugh at the boss at work, or at a mob boss. Think of Joe Pesci in Goodfellas: “How am I funny?”

In the mob, where status, reputation, and hierarchy mean everything, somebody could legitimately be murdered over having their leadership undermined by a joke. It wasn’t obvious Pesci was joking. Immediately after it’s clear he was in fact only joking, everyone laughs. Then, someone from the restaurant asks Pesci to pay his tab–he’s actually undermined in front of his mafia friends, so he cracks a glass over his skull–and everyone laughs.

In the Sopranos the reverse happens. In one episode, Tony gets upset because his mafia buddies laugh too hard at his jokes, even very mediocre jokes, trying to curry favour with the boss. You must not ever laugh at the boss, but you must always laugh with him. This is how laughter works in the presence of power.

Bullies

Bullies pick on people by mocking them, and bystanders signal their approval of what the bully is doing by laughing. For the victim, the more laughter there is, the more gut-wrenching it feels. The bully isn’t the only adversary. The bully plunges the knife into the victim, and laughter is what twists it.

Why is laughter such a powerful signal? Because it’s a pre-thought, reflexive thing, making it hard to fake. If I tell somebody “that joke is funny,” it doesn’t mean as much as simply laughing. People sometimes laugh uncontrollably, a guffaw. There is no equivalent for this in speech. Laughter is immediate and visceral, so as a signal, it’s reliable.

Comedy

Humour is badly undervalued in mainstream art because people are hard-wired to be moved by suffering, not pure joy. Woody Allen said that humorists are always seated at the kid’s table, which, aside from explaining why he became a humorist, is a good phrase that gets at how drama and politics are seen as mature and intellectual and comedy is not, even if the dramatists or political pundits in question are illiterate swine and the comedians are brilliant and serious. Making people laugh is thought to be low because it’s fun, whereas politics is taken seriously because it’s miserable and hopeless.

This dynamic helps to explain why John Kennedy Toole’s comedic masterpiece A Confederacy of Dunces was rejected by publishers, which apparently drove Toole to suicide. Only after his mother dutifully circulated the manuscript with this tragic story in hand did the comedy get published, and eventually win the Pulitzer Prize. Comedy needs tragedy to be valued, because people are hard-wired for suffering.

A lot of the vivid humour in Certified Serious writers like Joyce, Kafka, Proust, Gogol, Bulgakov, and others is missed, because readers tend to think literature is serious, solemn, grave, and read in that headspace. These writers fuck with you all the time, and if you take them too seriously you may miss the jokes. Comedy is not in conflict with seriousness, and anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong and liable to miss out on comical profundity, which sucks for them.

Commercial Implications

Humour is deeply idiosyncratic. It’s impossible to pin down. While there are formulas in comedy like the 80s cop-buddy movie, those formulas revolve around the plot—the actual humour in the movie can’t be broken down into a formula and reproduced, like as some kind of Hero’s Journey formula. (The Lion King is based on Hamlet, etc.)

Comedies are one offs. They fail or succeed if they’re sufficiently inspired. Robert McKee’s famous book on script writing does something beautiful on this topic: it devotes hundreds of pages about how to write every kind of movie, but comedy is deliberately excluded.

The only rule of a comedy, McKee says, is that by definition the hero is never in danger. If a house falls on the main character, he will stand up after, dust his shoulders off and walk away. This is what distinguishes a comedy from merely an action movie or drama that contains comedy. I like McKee’s rule, because it points to the primary rule in comedy: something is either funny or it’s not. 

Comedy is impossible to scale up. They make 10 million superhero movies now because they’re all variations of the same thing…meanwhile, the brilliance of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (the best film of the 20th century) couldn’t even be carried forward into the sequel, which had its moments but is a very pale shadow of the first.

Comedies are one-of-a-kind—they are the hardest genre to replicate.

Self-Deprecating Humour

If bosses, mob bosses and dictators can’t be laughed at, maybe people like self-deprecating humour so much because on some level it signals, “I’m no threat.” Note, the self-deprecating joke is funnier the more power the teller has—if some pathetic little shit makes fun of themselves, it’s probably just sad. If a powerful person laughs at themselves in public, it signals that they won’t wield their power against you.

Dictators are never self-deprecating. A boss might make a self-deprecating joke, but not when you’ve been fucking up. The self-deprecating joke is a reward, that signals everything at work is currently fine.

Jokes among Friends

Laughter is actually the sign and the substance of friendship. Laughing is the best thing friends can do among friends. Laughing at the same jokes as somebody shows not only that you’re on the same mental wavelength, but that you belong in the same social group.

When good buddies talk shit to each other, it’s a way of signalling, I only fuck with you because we’re buds. Ribbing requires a friendship that rest on a foundation of real trust and love.

You signal that you’re on good enough terms with somebody to taunt them by actually taunting them, and they signal that your estimation is correct by laughing at it and making fun of you back. In a sense, this form of laughter is one way to measure and test just how good friends you are with somebody. This style of humour isn’t for everybody, no one style is. We all have our own temperament when it comes to what we find funny, but this explains one common form of humour. There are infinite forms of laughter.

Us Versus Them–Jokes and Social Power

It’s called an “inside joke” because the people laughing are the “in” group. That’s literally the word used—“you’re in on the joke,” they’ll say. There is an us-versus-them dynamic in humour, and what side you’re on is signalled by laughter. It’s not just chuckles, it’s about signalling group membership.

That must be why in offices or work contexts, women report having feelings spanning from eye-rolls to real discomfort or worse when guys make lewd sexual jokes. It’s clear who the in group is, and who is out. It’s not just a joke, it’s claiming territory—this is a male space. Now, of course there are women who like that kind of joke, but they’re called “one of the guys.” When men denounce that kind of joke, they’re called “a bitch” or whatever. Toxic masculinity is equating the unwillingness to abuse power for a laugh with weakness, which is expressed as femininity.

I joke around with people all the time, and when I lived in India I noticed a pattern: people laughed a lot. Too much, sometimes. Now I love to fuck with my boys like Kandarp and that miserable degenerate Parakram, and I got them laughing because we’re buds. But when I joked and bantered with the security guards in my sector or the “office boys,” they were smiling ear to ear, even though…they didn’t speak English. What was exactly happening?

I think they saw that a white guy was taking the time to talk and fuck around with them, and they were happy because they felt included. People with power often exert it in less friendly ways. So when a person with power cracks jokes with a person with less power, they might just laugh out of relief, or maybe they partake in that power because for a moment it’s shared with them.

Racist Jokes

When jokes punch down, they stop being funny. Or, should. Privileged people sometimes express disdain for marginalized people with jocular contempt—hate expressed as a joke, for chuckles.

Frankly, I used to do this. I don’t anymore because only hateful or oblivious people enjoy this kind of humour. I was oblivious. I come from a very privileged background (white, straight, male, from Forest Hill—the works!), and while I never wanted to physically or emotionally hurt anybody, I found squeaky-clean fun to be boring.

Punching down was everywhere in 90s culture, and I did it too. We all did. Gay jokes (SNL, my beloved Ace Ventura is wildly transphobic at the end), black jokes (CB4, Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood, and too many movies starring white people to name), homeless jokes (Dirty Work and Happy Gilmore are full of them) or whatever seemed to me like innocent transgressions. It was a form of bullshitting, and because I was surrounded by people unaffected by these jokes, it felt innocent. I never saw what harm there was, and was allowed to believe there was none—I was oblivious.

If chirping a friend is actually a way to reinforce that we can only talk shit to each other because there’s love there, then perhaps on some level what offensive shock humour really says to the recipient is, “I only make this joke with you because you know I don’t believe that shit.” You don’t say this out loud, you just tell the joke. They answer that sentence by laughing.

Is there a distinction worth making between the racist racist-joke teller and the person who just likes shock-humour? These people are obviously not the same, but, in practice it’s a distinction without a difference: in either case, stop making these jokes! To even explore this distinction is to prioritize the comfort of the joke teller over the target, or the bystander who hears these jokes and is understandably uncomfortable.

Racist jokes aren’t necessarily concrete proof that a person harbours ill will towards people of that race, but even writing this makes me feel very uncomfortable, because people say “it’s a joke” to mean that it’s only a joke, when many people aren’t only joking. I don’t want to give cover to people who use humour to shield their racism.

Ask yourself, when you hear someone make a racist joke, do you identify with the teller, or the target? Whose defence do you naturally gravitate to? People who identify with power (privileged people normally do) make explanations for why the teller of racist jokes is not necessatily a bigot, and if they consider how it makes someone else feel, it’s considered second.

I’m not comfortable with punching-down humour now, and I’m not defending myself or anyone who make these jokes. I’m just explaining myself, then and now.

Humour as Means to Feel Power

I suppose privileged people make fun of marginalized people because subconsciously it makes them feel their power. They subconsciously revel in the fact that they aren’t the ones at the bottom of the hierarchy.

This would also explain why people from marginalized communities mock those who are even more marginalized. It makes them feel powerful. You can’t laugh at people with power over you, but when you have more power than someone, kicking down is easy—they have less power, they can’t respond.

This explains, for example, why there was homophobia and misogyny in hip hop even as so much of it also rightfully denounced anti-black racism. Many of these rappers matured, and rightly apologized. Actually, America’s white Christian Family-Values fundamentalists who went on a moral crusade against Rap in the 90s turned out to be—surprise surprise—scumbag racists. Today they’re MAGA, and Nas is writing a kids’s book.

Again, some people enjoy punching down not just for this subconscious reassurance that they have power, which is still a very bad reason to do it, but because they do hate the people below them! Racists enjoy laughter too, and when they express racism as a joke, it is still a) a joke b) definitely racist. The alt-right’s irony-drenched trolling is tired and trite as fuck, and they’re definitely not only joking.

How do you know if the person making the racist joke is a genuine racist or just oblivious in their privilege? After you tell someone to stop making racist jokes, watch how they respond. Do they genuinely get introspective and apologize, not because they were caught committing a faux pas in public but because in their bones they feel horror at having upset someone? Or do they get defensive, stick up for their rights to Free Speech, insist you are humourless, that they didn’t intend on harm and therefore harm is impossible and if you’re feeling it it’s your fault?

A wave of fascism has already descended on places close to me. Muslims are being lynched under Modi, MAGA people have murdered leftists and journalists in broad daylight and trump seems happy about the deaths. Conservative politicians in Canada are demonizing minorities, and this will escalate in the lead up to the federal election in October. Canada has produced faith goldy, gavin mciness, ezra levant, and other alt right shitlords.

Let’s make jokes to share love with friends and strangers, and to deflate fascists and the corporate gutter trash running Ontario. Let’s not revel blindly in privilege by making jokes that reinforce our power over people and undermine their sense of self, but just to lift people up and brighten their days and for no other reason.

10 Strategies to Win Back Leaf Fans

17 Thursday Jan 2013

Posted by jdhalperin in Comedy, Sports

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Dion Phaneuf, Joe Bowen, Maple Leaf Gardens, Mats Sundin, NHL lockout, return of NHL, Toronto Maple Leafs

Between the lockout and our losing hockey team, Leaf ownership might not want to test the Leaf fan’s notorious loyalty. Of course winning works, but it’s hard! In light of Saturday’s long-awaited return to NHL hockey, here are 10 other ways Leaf ownership can win over fans:

1. Schmaltzy heritage gestures should be replaced by something meaningful, especially in season where our outdoor “classic” against Detroit was cancelled. Play one game a year in Maple Leaf Gardens against the Habs.

2. To whip up cheer and excitement for the new Leaf season, burn effigies of old and new senator players, from yashin to their current Great Satan daniella.

3. The team mascot is currently a silent dancing bear named after Carlton Street where Maple leaf Gardens is located. This is safe and homely—good for kids. Replace stupid bear with a team of trashy bimbos in bikinis who shoot out t-shirts from hilarious high-powered guns during stoppages of play. Everybody loves this.

4. Retire senile Joe Bowen. His digressions are insufferable and his contribution to leaf lore, the idiotic catchphrase “holy mackinaw,” has been embarrassingly forced for years. Hire Leaf legends to comment and analyze, like in the NFL. Wendel, Dougie, and especially Mats. Do not let Sundin quietly enjoy his retirement with his beautiful wife. His weakness is his classy nature and his golden heart: bring him back by targeting these mercifully. Also, give the mic to colourful heart and soul guys Domi and Tucker. They must have countless insights.

5. The Burkie Dog concession stand in the ACC will be replaced by Nonis Nachos. Whereas the Burkie dogs represented the loud and colourful personality of our former GM by being loaded with crazy toppings, the Nonis nachos will be plain nachos without even cheese or salsa.

6. Fight the ownership’s reputation as bloodsucking corporate parasites by giving away two platinum tickets to the home opener to a couple of Toronto’s most decrepit and sympathetic homeless people. Focus cameras on them. There will be a very touching and rousing ovation from fans. Tell the announcer to have an endearing line prepared for when they’re on screen, but make it sound off the cuff. If those in neighbouring seats aren’t getting sushi but are actually watching the game, provide them with nose plugs, but do not refund their tickets no matter how grossed out they are.

7. To ensure a playoff spot, Trade Lombardi for a fourth round draft pick. Then, if the organization has any leftover Lombardi jerseys that didn’t sell, give them away to the homeless guys described above as a game day souvenir that keeps them warm through winter. Charity is great for branding.

8. Change the official Leaf slogan from “passion is everything” to “winning is meaningful, too.”

9. To increase fan confidence in team defence, release a video of Dion Phaneuf’s summer training program, including backwards skating sessions and forward skating sessions.

10. Stop showing our old Stanley Cup champions on the ACC screen and on TV. It looks like a WWII veteran’s commemoration. It’s embarrassing—hide the great Johnny Bower, but for all the glory he and the others have provided this feckless organization give them a complimentary seat to the game and a generous deal on parking and beer.

Holiday Gift Guide 2012

05 Wednesday Dec 2012

Posted by jdhalperin in Comedy

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Buying holiday stuff, Christmas presents, Holiday gift guides, Sopranos

It’s that season again. Personally, my heart bursts when the people I like and love wish me a warm season’s greeting, but many people are assholes who can’t enjoy the holidays without hard, material proof of your affection. Here are some ideas at different price brackets to win over these vulgarians.

Jeff’s Gift Guide:

1. Russian Literature—fill up a loved one’s spiritual vacuum not with stupid religion, but with Tolstoy, Gogol, Turgenev and the gang. Purchase previously enjoyed for $1-10. To make sure the gift is quality, check that the spine is intact and that pages aren’t released from their binding after being flipped. Check for good translations, too.

2. Whiskey—since it’s the season for splurging, don’t buy a loved one Canadian Club. It tastes like battery acid. For a few extra dollars you can buy them a normal Irish whiskey, or give them a formidable holiday boner by getting them a smokey Islay single malt. L-a-g-a-v-u-l-i-n.

3. Gold Bullion—Gold retains its value, and it can’t get lost like a piece of jewellery  It’s just a quality investment, and nobody wishes they didn’t have it. Very old school.

4. A record—usually great classical or rock and roll records, from Bach to CCR, can be found cheaply in the under $5 range, but good hip hop normally runs you more than that. Buy good De La Soul, Tribe or Wu-Tang. Anyone who doesn’t like that shit is a pervert.

5. Food—it’s a biological requirement, very popular these days.

6. Chess set—there are only two useful chess sets. The first is a bigger stay-at-home board with traditional style, hefty pieces. The second is a small, portable fold-up board with magnetic pieces. Do not buy tacky ornamental kitsch sets that insult the very existence of chess, the noble blood sport of kings.

7. Sopranos on DVD—not everyone has HBO. It’s the best cultural offering of our generation, rivalling anything cooked up by Melville, the Grateful Dead or Leotardo Da Vinci.

8. Guitar Lessons—the gift of music lessons is nothing less than seraphic ecstasy stolen for Earthlings by teachers, incredible Prometheus figures who bring godly delights to mere mortals. Shame I don’t know any good guitar teachers.

Bogus Profundities

30 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by jdhalperin in Comedy

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Tags

human rights, humourless studies, priggish academic writing, prolix, unintelligible writing

By applying a neo-Foucouldian lens to a systems discourse it’s easy to trace the setbacks and impingements caused by neo-cons and other critical analysts of a certain stripe. It can be seen, therefore, that more investigation is wanting in this department, but, on the other hand, its corollary is true too, namely that the talk and feedback loop has increased the vivacity of grassroots initiatives, and plans are coming along steadily to bring about the fundamental change from the ground up. Quite literally, fruit is bound for harvest as indispensable momentum has been gained in this and in other related and interrelated fields. Incidentally, a retrospective glance at historically bypassed alternatives to the accepted narratives and viewpoints is a vital reconstruction that adds definitively to the wider scope, as mitigating and transcending the accepted biases is is required or we are hopelessly lacking completion. It is necessary, therefore, to bring up the rear, as it were, and ensure that this crucial aspect doesn’t dwindle. The strength of current bonds, agreements, and cross lateral academic joint suppositions depends upon the intrinsic strength of this arrived at result of reflexive academia.

We cannot possibly move forward until the above is understood. Now, looking ahead, the socio-political, geo-military, and cross-cultural implications and ramifications are diverse, severe, and need to be critically unpacked from multiple standpoints. First, through a polyrhythmatic intra-religious  duality we can see that these are less interdependent than we think at first glance, and moreover that these interrelations form a complex and multifaceted reality whose nature and being can only be ascertained first by comparing its neo-Marxist elements against its third wave feminist heritage. Where they are aligned will be indicative of the overall meritocratic veracity with which its grounded in, whereas the differences will be instructive if we consider the ramifications of other fields against what is surely a fascinating discrepancy. But this is only the beginning.

The real challenge will be unpacking the intertwined an variable complexities of the innards of each category against the conclusions reached from a wide variety of alternate studies. This, therefore, will rally together a diversity of related fields, visions, and studies to produce an overwhelming harmony that will shine a useful light on these and other related subjects. This multiplicity of studies, fields, and categories is the only way to increase clarity and lucidity. The last thing we want is inaccessible conclusions due to muddled manifestations of research which, however fixed and steadfast, are obscure to those without the necessary means for the necessary means for higher education. In this vaunted realm, the personal is political, not so much because it’s an intrinsic part of the latter but because the former is the overarching focal point of study of this womanifesto, and relegating human rights to a back seat role is unduly punishing it to the dismay of future generations of the silent majority.

There’s still more. If we care about the children at all, we need to bring in a parallel from other related fields of study, and hyper-critical lenses which can be applied post-modernly without fusing the various aspects together, so long as the correlations aren’t primary in nature, and, and this is especially crucial, so long as they derive intrinsically from the whole and not just reached for inductively from superficially diagnosing its outer aspects. It’s one of the great misfortunes that this ineluctable modality is frequently cited with poor accuracy, and what ends up happening is greatly unfortunate in that the misalignment between the primary and tertiary aspects increases this gulf rather than narrows it. The main thing, however, is that studies perpetuate the dominant aspects of what they reach for without sacrificing its lower depths.

In terms of the colonial imperialist sphere, there’s much to contend with, and it doesn’t take a careful ear to hear the supersonic high end beams of conservative misappropriation. It must be looked at piecemeal first, then as a whole. In this way, the repugnant goings on of the dominant hierarchal higher ups can be understood in both scope and inner structure, and from both an internal and external position. This is what’s key here, as without this the mode will be little understood, and the false and misleading appearance of real knowledge can have unintended consequences in other interrelated fields.

Can anything be understood in isolation, or isn’t it true that it’s opposite must be taken into account with it? Mirror causality is crucial or else this severance presents an ungraspable chasm which puts the veracity of the original claim into great and insurmountable doubt. It’s an understatement to say the rich complexities of this mode of thought is highly disagreeable, deceptive and incomplete as they are, and to the rescue we bring a progressive diagnostic litmus test in order to fully vitiate the solemnity of the issue at hand. It’s impossible to bring the full tapestry of being without congruent tertiary aspects, however harmonizing may prove to be difficult, surmising impossible, but the fuller, broader test requires these values be procured without delay in order to vindicate the thoroughness with which its cognitively ascertained. In simpler terms, one thing and its opposite must be seen from the same lens, the same terms, and then flipped and inverted if we are to understand it all. The economic implications can’t be cut off of this examination, as they are inevitably intertwined; obviously, their exchange is a give and take where reciprocity correlates positively with the opposite of the backward sub section. To bypass this, we’ll need transcendental analyses from a dialectic of global studies.

If we are to reach a fair, equitable and progressive place, we ignore these findings at our peril.

JD’s Motivational Alphabet

22 Thursday Nov 2012

Posted by jdhalperin in Comedy

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cheery, consolation, hope, motivation, sarcasm, schlock, The alphabet

Apathetic Bummer Conformity Despondency Egregious Failure Give (up) Hopeless Iniquities Judge (others) Kaput Lethargic Mundane Nonentity Obey Procrastinate Quit Rejection Surrender Tepid Underwhelm Vacuous Worst  Xenophobia Yield Zero

The stink of vegan hypocrisy

15 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by jdhalperin in Comedy

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animal rights, human rights, Macleans, vegan hypocrites, vegans

[Going through my computer I found an old unpublished piece that was undeservedly buried, so I polished it and present it now.]

I read an issue of Maclean’s containing a hilarious article wherein Martin Mersereau, the director of emergency response for PETA, states, “Any vegan restaurant that kills rodents is absolutely hypocritical. If you’re going to exercise such conscientiousness in the cuisine that you prepare, then why not bring that same heart and soul to managing your little unwanted visitors? [glue traps and poison] should be avoided like the plague.” Even if the little unwanted visitor in question carried the plague, I expect Mersereau would demonstrate for the rodent his superhuman compassion. He imagines that his position is the most magnanimous, but he is wrong.

The vegan must go further than not killing animals. Vegan’s prime directive is animal rights. If all you do is not kill people then you’re not a murderer, but you’re not an advocate for human rights either. For starters, that would entail actively opposing and protesting against murder. Yet Mersereau watches the animal holocaust at a distance, his silence enabling the ceaseless slaughter to continue. To stay consistent, he ought to prosecute people who eat or kill animals. A passive vegan, like Mersereau, who looks the other way while all his animal friends are being killed isn’t doing anything to save the animals. He’s just clearing his conscious.

But a real vegan would go further still, as humans aren’t the only ones who violate animal rights. In the pursuit of justice, a devoted vegan of Martin Mersereau’s stature ought to condemn animals who harm animals. It doesn’t make a lick of a difference to the animal being exploited whether the exploiter is a human or a fellow animal. Dead is dead. A real vegan ought to be concerned with all the blood that’s spilled, not just the blood on his hands. Until Mersereau demonstrates consistency by policing forests worldwide and trying to arrest me for barbecuing, he is a hypocrite.

An open letter to OISE concerning beautiful oppressors

06 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by jdhalperin in Comedy

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Beautiful people make more money, Beauty Bias, JD Halperin, OISE

Dear OISE,

I am writing in hopes you’ll show solidarity towards today’s most unacknowledged and disenfranchised group.

It’s well documented that beautiful (read: Western “beauty”) people are automatically and unwarrantedly assumed to be more talented, intelligent, reliable, and overall more capable. Through no merit of their own, just genetic lottery, studies cite that they amass an extra $200,000 over a lifetime.

While many acknowledge the existence of the beauty bias, few admit it overprivileges the beautiful, so there’s a reluctance to concede the corollary: gross people are an underprivileged group oppressed by beautiful people. I think beautiful people are carefully taught not to recognize the beauty bias, as white males are carefully taught to marginalize all non-white males (McIntosh, Peggy).

While the extent of disenfranchisement and marginalization is hard to quantify and it differs from case to case, anti-gross oppression usually correlates positively with the degree to which the gross are gaunt, hirsute, balding, asymmetrical, squat, albino, peg-legged, pock marked, hunchbacked, beady eyed, and just generally weird looking. Imagine trying to make it as a runway model with explosive acne, or try getting good tips as a bartender while a class-three goitre hangs off your neck. Yet can’t gross people show attitude while walking in a straight line, or successfully pour a beverage into a glass? Comrades, is this a meritocracy?

Please, help show solidarity with gross people around the world and demand from governments that every industry be encouraged to hire a quota of gross people. As well as, of course, recompense the $200,000 taken from them by the beautiful. The proceeds of oppression should be dispersed among the people. All are entitled to this money, so long as they can prove beyond a doubt that they are gross.

GROSS PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD, UNITE!
Works Cited
1. McIntosh, Peggy. “White Privilege and Male Privilege” in Race, Class and Gender, edited by M. Anderson and P. Collins. 1992 New York: Feminist Press.

A lap in Mario Kart 64 played, narrated by James Joyce

09 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by jdhalperin in Comedy

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James Joyce, JD Halperin, mario 64, nintendo, Ulysses

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Ineluctable modality of Nintendo. Signatures of all things I am here to read: cacophonous car crash, bump, traverse, thumped, reversed. Racing relentless animalistic pilgrims ever heading forward. I bypass evil yellow man, speaking dung in tongues. Imagonnaween. Surrounded by swirling seaside shells, I move onwards. No, hit! How? Star power subterfuge. A surprise from behind. Only to listen harder. Illstarred heresiarch. Ah. The eluctable modality of the audible. Oh, catch up catch up. Nebeneinander nebeneinander. His pace slackened. Victim of discarded fruit. ananaB.

–Wahoo! Wahoo!

Overtake. I’m ahead, not by much. A very short space of time through very short times of space. Onwards. Must I come to know that question mark? Mystery is a theme I am trying to escape.

Peach: (A tempo) Let’s go!

Bowzer: (Stringendo) Rraawwwr!

DEAR  DRIVING  DIRTY

Arr turns. R turns by rote. Angling hopping and hoping. Let me pass a pike’s progress.

Beach level. He rooted in the sand, dabbling, delving, and stopped to listen to the air. Slow now. Careful cavernous cavorting. Engaged! Open hallway. Now, red shell shall put Toad beyond the veil for good. Cadaver. Pugnosed driver. Take him out. Stymied suddenly by bifurcated banana excrescence, again! Divine intervention: substantially consubstantial.
Raised on reason, race on. Moving through the air high spars of a threemaster, homing, upstream, silently moving, a silent ship. Lead. Led. Leading this leg’s end. Legend. To beat, or not to beat?

With what meditations did Peach articulate her succumbing to the constellations power?

Star music! On a stardivarius. Weep. The infinite lattiginous scintillating uncondensed milky way song, nascent enough yet moribund, prophesying 2nd place.

Damn toad I tried to pass him but his heart was going like mad and no I said no I won’t no.

Toronto-Toronto-Toronto, 2012

An interactive game for my readers

17 Thursday May 2012

Posted by jdhalperin in Comedy

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

blogging mistakes, Extinction of typos, hack Toronto writers, JD Halperin, VN is sirin, Writing immunity

Today we live in a generous, enlightened age. Happily, we understand that school boys and girls innately comprehend the highest reaches of literature, science and math—they aren’t simply empty vessels to be filled by caveman exercises like reading from a book. A similar enlightenment extends to adult readers, who are no longer belittled by having their role confined to simply reading. Technology makes readers feel like engaged participants in what they read, or, because reading literary masterpieces should be about more than reading words on paper, the book itself actually comes alive in their hands. Readers of mine can comment on and share my work, but I want more  for my small, noble following. That’s why I’ve decided to create a little treasure hunt in every post from now on. It’s just like a real treasure hunt, only instead of hunting for gold booty you’re looking for shoddy work.

Hidden somewhere in every future post is a “mistake.” It might be a typo, a factual error, bungled research, or perhaps a ghastly howler like failing to join a coordinating conjunction to an independent clause with a comma. It’s a wild game! Anything can happen.

So, read future posts with a fine-toothed comb, and keep a record of all the “errors” you find. Be sure to store your record in a safe place, because one day I’ll ask my readers to report back all the “mistakes” they’ve found. The reader with the longest list gets a special, secret prize! In order to keep the excitement at fever pitch, I won’t disclose the prize now, but I can promise you that it’s either both very expensive and prestigious or very thoughtful.

Also, double points will be awarded to those who go backwards and find errors in already published articles. Having a hunch that I’d hold a contest just like this, I intentionally planted mistakes in my pieces all along. As a tip, when you’re deciding exactly where in my back catalogue to dive in, pieces where I defend the values of things like corporal punishment, eugenics and pop-culture are ripe for error.

In a piece of private fan-mail I once received, one very sharp reader said of my work: “The mistakes and misstatements in it form an uninterrupted series so complete as to seem artistic in reverse, making one wonder if, perhaps, it had not been woven that way on purpose to be turned into something pertinent and coherent when reflected through a looking glass.” I have contacted this astute reader, V Sirine, and awarded him one point, and consoled him that, yes, my blunders are indeed high-art.

So next time you come across a mistake in a blog, anywhere, remember that bloggers are devoted craftsman, like me, and the “mistake” of my peers was surely just planted on the sly in preparation for a similar treasure hunt to take place in the future. Yes, we do all kinds of things for our readers.

Love,
JD

Post-Script: as you likely guessed, there is one mistake in the above piece. Let the hunt begin!

 

JDHalperin.com’s environmental pledge

02 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by jdhalperin in Comedy

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Tags

enviromental blogs, Enviromental satire, fraudulent branding, green movement, Green washing, JD Halperin, toronto enviromentalists

The team here at JDHalperin.com has Green values running through the core of our business practices. We’d like to share with you now a truly uplifting story about how one little blog has the power to heal the world…one post at a time.

As an in-house publication, our office engages in safe eco-practices by using energy-saving light bulbs, forsaking AC in summer, and using a space heater and sweaters during winter. The website’s team is comprised wholly of cyclists who literally live in the office, so no greenhouse gases are emitted during the daily commute to and from work. Regrettably, running a website does require powering a computer, but JDHalperin’s chief mainframe console is a netbook with a 12 inch screen. Our carbon footprint is minimal, and we are serious about giving back to the community*.

If a tree falls in the forest, JDHalperin.com is around to hear it. We are ever sensitive to the depletion of forestry. This blog has never printed one page of paper. In this regard, JD Halperin, the man without whom JDHalperin.com would cease to exist, has an undeniably stellar commitment to the planet, having been rejected by every print publisher he’s ever queried.

In a world where ecological and sociocultural catastrophes have become a tragically common business practice, JDHalperin.com is proud to say we have never been associated with any gulf oil spills, aboriginal displacement, organ harvesting, and we have never tested our products on animals.

That’s why when you read JDHalperin.com, you’re not just reading some worthwhile internet writing, you’re making a statement about your values. You’re telling people who you really are.

And who are you?

You’re an urbane cosmopolitan with a love of nature. Wordsworth in a condo, with your ear both to the street and to the soil. Your park is Algonquin and Trinity Bellwoods. You’re a sensory hedonist with a deeply spiritual side, a glutton for solidarity of causes big and small, far and wide. A slow thinker in life’s fast lane. Loving, reflexively courteous, and innately benevolent. Most importantly, you act now for world peace on planet Earth.

Let everybody know how magnanimous you are by reading and subscribing to JDHalperin.com today. Show everybody you care about the world’s people, plants and animals by liking us on Facebook, Tweeting @ us, or by simply telling a friend.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and healing the world begins with a single click. We can do this together.

Thanks for caring. Namaste.

*JDHalperin.com proudly supports the community by offering, free of charge, something to read.

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