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Jeff Halperin

Jeff Halperin

Tag Archives: kessel

Why I’m cheering for the Habs this playoffs

13 Sunday Apr 2014

Posted by jdhalperin in Uncategorized

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Tags

kessel, montreal canadiens, nhl playoffs, subban, Toronto Maple Leafs

I, Jeff Halperin, will cheer for the Habs this playoffs. This may sound surprising from a guy who has recently expressed hatred for them and their fans. To be precise, I said the team was nothing but perverted midgets, their fans debased. Of course I was a diehard Leaf fan. But the latest edition of Leaf Collapse was really something else. It’s brought me to this, cheering for the Habs.

It’s impossible to look at the Leafs in the face, the sight of them makes my stomach sick. Even looking at blameless Kessel in ads I find disgusting.

Not everyone finds it natural to cheer for a different team in playoffs just because they’re Canadian; it’s a question of whether you see it as Leafs vs Habs or Toronto vs Montreal. I’ve always enjoyed myself in Montreal, and I currently have no allegiance to these Leafs.

Us Leaf fans don’t have a rejoinder to the smug gloating Habs fan or Subban triumphantly tugging the logo on his jersey. JVR taunted Subban, tugging the Leaf after scoring a game winner versus MTL—it was, shall we say, premature.

No, advanced stats corroborate common sense, the Leafs are a very bad team. When they are without the puck they never seem to get it back. Kessel and JVR manage to score in the remaining small window, somehow. But this isn’t even what’s worst about them. No lead is safe because psychologically they are beyond fragile. The Leafs have an incurable case of PTSD.

Rooting for the Habs is a middle finger to the Leafs, a form of protest. Not that they deserve this consideration, but part me of thinks it good that Habs fans witness sanity from a Leaf fan. One Leaf fan was so deranged he began a blog, “Our Heroes: A Balanced Perspective Of the Maple Leafs’ Journey to the 2014 Stanley Cup.” The blog is over because…enough already, I will end here before I get sick.

Our Heroes: Game #3

06 Thursday Mar 2014

Posted by jdhalperin in Sports

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Bozak, Kadri, kessel, New York Rangers, Stanley Cup 2014, Toronto Maple Leafs

Leafs beat New York in overtime, 3-2, on a day where Leaf management opted to make no moves on trade deadline day, convinced that chemistry is good and there’s sufficient firepower to win the big games come June. The game was odd.

Bozak scored a beauty on a penalty shot. He’s a breakaway artiste, I believe 3/5 in shootouts this year including the game winner in the outdoor game. Nice fake out, a clutch, and I think he went 5 hole or low glove but really he had little room to thread it and somehow he did.

Kadri scored a ball hockey goal. Kulemin made a nice patient move to the slot, waiting a while before getting a decent shot away, and Naz was there to bat the bouncing rebound home.

Things looked good for the buds when a Ranger was called for tripping with 14 minutes left in the third. But the Leafs failed to kill the power play, New York somehow scoring twice. I’d say this never, ever happens, except it happened like last week.

The first goal was the result of some miscues and diabolical puck luck. Puck went off a skate to a Ranger (a New York one, not Paul) who took a shot, but Bozak’s stick redirected the puck way wide of the net, only to hit Phaneuf’s ass (hard not to hit Dion’s ass, the biggest in the league) and got behind Bernier.

Our heroes were determined to use the power play to restore a 2-goal lead, so they went up ice with grit poise and purpose and New York scored a minute later. 2-2.

I’ve been chirping the hockey gods in this space lately and I wondered if they preferred to communicate their disgust with me this way, rather than say post in my comment section. But superstition is stupid, and I never give in to it during the regular season. So I made the hockey gods no offerings and trusted the boys to pull through.

And in overtime, the apartment line checked in. Kessel made a sharp entry into the zone. Lundqvist directed the biscuit behind the net, Phil fought for it and sent a sweet pass to the front of the net to his roommate / video game companion, and Bozak buried.

It was Martin St. Louis’ first game as a Ranger, reunited once more Richards, Cup winners in Tampa, the beneficiaries of anti-Canadian refs conspiring against the Calgary Flames. If you’ll recall, the Flames scored a goal in overtime of game 6 that should have won them the Cup, but the refs said “nah,” determined to give the Cup to a tropical hockey market filled with rich die hard fans of baseball and NASCAR.

That the Leafs stymied this Cup-winning duo, extra energized in this their first game together, speaks volumes about the Leafs capacity to win come June. I look forward to the imminent glory.

Our Heroes–A Balanced Perspective On The Toronto Maple Leafs

03 Monday Mar 2014

Posted by jdhalperin in Sports

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Tags

jvr, kessel, lupul, montreal canadiens, Toronto Maple Leafs

The refs Saturday were more despicable than usual in allowing the perverted midgets from Montreal not just one point, but two. We can’t afford to lose games against such vastly inferior opponents.

The game begun in characteristic fashion. The Leafs were in no mood to play hockey, and a couple lucky shots snuck past Bernier. The Leafs didn’t put a shot on net for ten minutes, maybe more. This brutal hockey delighted the fiendish mtl audience. Leafs down 2-0.

Familiar with the Leaf’s heroic nature, I eagerly awaited the comeback. On cue, the Leafs restored the normal order of things by scoring three electric goals to take the lead. JVR’s finesse, determination and imagination can’t be suppressed for long, and he elegantly tipped a shot past budaj. Killing a mtl powerplay, the same JVR powered past subban and went five hole on a breakaway to tie things up. Finally, Kessel was Kesselesque, wiring a wrister a foot off the ice inside the bar in top flight.

It was gracious of the Leafs to show the montreal crowd what elegant hockey looks like, but I doubt they appreciated the gesture. They are an ungrateful lot and no doubt such gorgeous puck made them miserable. By tradition, they only applaud the most depraved, unspeakable acts.

The game’s ending proved that either there are no hockey gods, or they are a sadistic debased group of flunkies unworthy of worship. subban tied it up and the Leafs got three straight penalties. When JVR was violently hooked the ref called a penalty on the the guilty montreal runt, but called JVR too! Gleason was penalized for body checking. In overtime, an unusual delay of game penalty was called on Bernier and the habs successfully parlayed one perversion into another by scoring, winning the game. I’m not sure whether refs can be fined, suspended or imprisoned for desecrating  the hallowed game of hockey, but this should be looked into. Sometimes it feels as if the NHL scouts meth clinics in search of referees.

To be sure, the Leafs should have won, refs notwithstanding. Just sometimes fate takes pity on such ghastly underdogs.

I’m already over it, moving forward should be easy. Bernier is shaking off the rust from the Olympic break. For unexplainable reasons he wasn’t selected to Team Canada, which managed to win gold despite our glaring weakness in net.

Lupul looked lively in more ways than one. Sharp magazine named Lupul one of the best dressed athletes of all time. I believe the style and elegance imbued in all facets of the Toronto Maple Leafs organization rubbed off on his clothes. Anyway Lupul nailed a crossbar and was tough to contain.

Even Clarkson had a good night, which is to say he earned a tiny fraction of his ridiculous salary by scoring 0 points but looking less useless than normal. Kadri needs to bury again, but he was a presence and cannot be suppressed for long. Kessel and JVR are unquenchable fire.

Perverted outcome aside, things look as rosy as ever in Leaf land.

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